i want to go back, like yesterday...i dont want to be in america any more and that is really hard to admit, but its the truth. i fully trust that this all has/is happening for a reason but for now...i just am gonna sit in the fact that i dont want to fully be here...and im not...my heart is still in africa. i have a friend who has been dealing with this for over a year now and i now fully understand...i feel kind of empty...and its because i now know that how ive been living hasnt been up to my full potential...and i now know what that potential is...and its all i want now. no worries im not going to just run right out and sign up for a three year stint or anything but do know that i am most definately considering it. i need more time to process, think, and pray through it but i truly feel deep down in what little part of my heart i still have that i am not cut out for the american dream...instead im cut out for life overseas...quite possibly africa...or maybe somewhere else...im not really sure yet...when i do know, ill let you know. :)
so that for all who are asking is how im doing right now. the trip was amazing and full of sights to see and beauty and joy and all the kinds of things i love. i got to meet my sponsor child abiyot who is thirteen and her mother and one of her sisters. however she has changed so much since her profile picture was taken that i mistook her younger sister for her at first...it was truly amazing to see how much healthier she looks now as well as how much she has grown. and she's so much like me!
after getting almost crushed by three consecutive bear hugs we proceeded into her home
where abiyot made coffee for us and spent the majority of the time misty eyed or crying (both of which for that culture is highly embarassing and 'doesnt' happen) so it figures that i who never EVER gets emotional...hahaha...would pick a girl who so closely resembles my own emotions (you either cry, hug, or smile). she was semi-shy but the longer we were there the more comfortable she seemed to get.
we took some photos outside her front door and when it came time to say good bye she gave me a quick hug and made a beeline for inside (my best understanding is that she really started crying again or she may detest goodbyes as much as i do) at which time i realized i had to say goodbye and that the visit we just had might be the only time i ever get to see her face to face (there are no garuntees in life except God) so then i started bawling...i mean not the pretty, tears streaming down cheeks kind of crying i mean the ugly hiccuping kind of tears streaming, at which her mom then started crying (though she was the eyes brimming full and spilling over kind of tears). eventually her mom looked me straight in the eyes and told me that we should not be sad when we say goodbye, but instead when you say goodbye you should be happy...which honestly at that time didnt help me compose myself at all...it actually made me want to cry more...did i mention i absolutely HATE saying goodbye and more often than not will just run (even to the point of literally leaving the scene) or avoid at all costs having to say goodbye? saying goodbye felt like i was ripping out my heart for all to see...but i also felt comforted to know that abiyot is doing so well. all i had really wanted out of the visit with her was to hold her in my arms and get a chance to encourage her with school...which i got a chance to thank her mother for allowing her to go to school, her mother's response you ask? she said of COURSE she's going to school...what an amazing answer to hear...for abiyots mother to have even some understanding of the value of school is so atypical for that region. it was VERY encouraging. :) oh and they gave me a huge bunch of pink and red roses, it was enough to make my heart explode with love and tenderness for this child and her family. i hope i never forget how humble and grateful it made me feel.
for more photos you can go here
